How I Stopped The Zombie Revolution (A Short Story in 2 Parts - In Two Days, This Is Part One)

Ed had been a friend of mine for a long time. He was an asshole, but had not fucked me over, not yet. He had just gotten back from a trip to the Thailand.

He was rebounding from a layoff and went on vacation, because he was fine with money. His wife was a fat rich bitch. She kept Ed in line now that they were married, but he managed to talk her into letting him take the vacation alone. So he could “unwind and reset”.

He came over late last night, no warning, or call ahead of time.

I answered the door, “Hey, what’s up dude?”

Ed brushed past me, he was hunched over. He went to the couch and planted square in the middle. “My dick is on fire, it’s fucking on fire.”

I noticed his hands were clasped over his crotch. “Want a beer?”

“No, you fuck. I am dying here.” He said.

“Been to a doctor?” I asked.

“I can’t do that, Dev would find out. She always finds out.”

“Right, she pays the bills. So what prospects for work do you have lined up?” I asked.

“Hey, I am a little more worried about this right now.” He uncovered his crotch for a second.

“What the fuck did you do on vacation Ed?”

“Look, I need some antibiotics. Do you have any?” He asked.

“Yeah, some for the strep throat I had back in June. You can have em.” I walked out to the bathroom and retrieved the half full bottle of Amoxicillin and tossed it to him.

“Thanks.” He said and caught the bottle, then grinned and jingled it next to his ear. “It is a miracle of science!”

He liked to say that every time medicines enter a conversation. He had been saying it for years, and the joke wore off the second time I heard it.

He popped the cap and swilled at least four pills. “Lighten up Ed. Too many of those will fuck up your stomach.”

“Drink?” he muttered. He was trying to get all the pills down.

I grabbed a Pepsi from the fridge, opened it, while I walked over and set it on the coffee table. He downed the whole can. “Damn I’m thirsty.” He said.

I sat down on the couch next to Ed and asked, “So what happened in Thailand?”

“Ok, you’re not gunna believe this.” He started, then finished off the dregs in the soda can.

“So I get there in Thailand and every things going great. I hit some bars, hooked up with some little hookers, got a few hummers on the cheap, like three bucks. It was all good.” He paused, looked left and right, like he didn’t want anyone else to hear.

“Ok, so this guy comes up to me, the guy I had hired the hookers from, and he tells me he has something that will blow me away.” He said.

“And you took him up on it?” I asked.

“Who can walk away from an offer like that?”

“Not you Ed.” I said.

“Of course, you know me. So I dropped the 30 bucks cash and this guy takes me down a few roads to this big indoor pool. They had Dolphins in the pool. Fucking Flipper dude.” He said.

Oh, like Seaworld?”

“No man, the fish were in harnesses. They let me bang a Dolphin. It was silly.” He said.

“Uh, that is some sick shit Ed.”

“Yeah, but hey, when else would I get the chance?” Ed said.

“Ok, so you are here because of that?” I asked.

“Yeah man, ever since I banged that fucker, my cock has been on fire and getting hotter.” Ed pulled up his t-shirt and I saw the bright red veins of infection running up his flabby belly.

“Shit Ed, you are in a world of hurt here. You need to go to the Hospital.” I said. I stood up and went for my car keys.

“No way.” Ed said. “You know she will find out. I can’t. Just let me crash here tonight and let your cillin kick in. I should be good by morning.”

“That’s fucked up dude, you are way more sick than a few pills can fix.” I said. He grabbed the bottle again and tried to take more pills. I grabbed them out of his hand.

“You had too many already.” I said. “Wait three hours and you can take two more, ok?”

“Fucking fine.” He said, and laid back on the couch. He closed his eyes for a second, then for five. “I have to crash, you got a blanket?”

I grabbed one out of the hall closet and tossed it over to him. “Get some sleep Ed.” He was already out. I could feel the heat pouring off as I draped the blanket over him.

I went and grabbed a Pepsi and sat in the old lazyboy across the table from the couch. I switched on the lamp and glanced at the side table. I had my We Will Bury You comics to read.