“Greetings all Americans.
We are in troubled times, I am sure you are aware. First we have a financial crisis, then a debilitating oil spill.
I feel like the American people are getting screwed more than Jenna Jamison in her god damn prime! [Slams hand on table]
Let me make this clear and quick, America is not your fucking play toy. BP, get that mother fucking oil out of our mother fucking Gulf!
Wall Street: The ‘party’ is fucking over. You have been screwing the people you call your customers every few years, when you harvest the value of their investments and buy a new fucking chalet… in fucking Italy. It’s over, done. It’s time we lube up and put it to you for a fucking change.
Now, about the economy: I know it sucks out there. But there are jobs to be fucking had. They might not pay the salary you had before you lost your job, but it’s something. Stop sucking off the tits of the American tax payer, get off your ass and go get a job. These unemployment cards aren't gunna last much longer, so get the fuck ready.
About everyone on Welfare: We are going to make a change. If you apply for Welfare, you will get the same old benefits, less 20%. If you have one child when you sign up, and think shitting out a new one every year is going to help, you are fucking wrong. Adding dependants will never again increase your benefits, so cross your fucking legs or buy a fucking condom. We are going to start covering those, if the Republicans can see it through. Hey, less black people, it shouldn’t be a problem.
Now I want to address the problems with these assholes driving like fucking idiots: I am introducing legislation to make it legal for regular citizens to gun down fucking asshole drivers, and face no penalty. We may even reward them for removing a pestilence from our fine country.
About energy: Fuck you and your ‘not in my back yard’ attitude. We are building a shit load of Nuclear power plants, where WE want them. Tough shit, deal with it. And Yucca Mountain will be the depository for the waste. Everyone is bailing out of Vegas anyway, so shut the fuck up and move to Cincinnati if you don’t like it.
In closing, I want to thank you all for watching tonight, and if you have issues with the stances I am taking tonight, go fuck yourselves.
Update: I liked my version better.
